Spoilers: Season 4
Length: 1,376 words
Summary: Technology is so very frustrating to Cas.
Author’s Note: I was watching some old clips of Cas trying to use a cell phone the other day. It was adorable, but I figure there must have been other mistakes on the way to technological literacy. Also, there’s a small cameo by Sasha from a previous story, if you can catch it.
-Also, for anyone who's curious, my mystery deadly infection is clearing up.
1. Drowning it
"They wouldn't stop calling me." Castiel says, by way of explanation. Dean doesn't see what that has to do with why his cell phone has seaweed hanging from it, or why it's been completely destroyed by water damage.
"Who wouldn't stop calling you?" Sam asks, ever the reasonable one.
"It was a large group of people. They were trying to convince me that I needed to take a second mortgage out on my or that I required Life Insurance. I tried to explain that I didn’t own a home and needed no life insurance as the apocalypse was coming, but they did not stop calling me."
Dean has to grin at that. An angel forced to deal with telemarketers. He's not sure who had the worse end of the stick here- Cas, who was clearly annoyed and confused by people trying to sell him something, or the telemarketers who were trying to sell insurance to an Angel of the Lord who would calmly explain to them that the apocalypse was nigh.
"So that still doesn't explain why it's wetter than a dish rag." Dean tells him, trying not to show the grin. Cas gets so offended when he thinks he's being laughed at. But the angel gives them so many opportunities to do so that it's really hard not to slip up.
"I attempted to drown it." Castiel tells them straight faced. Self control flies out the window. Dean leans back on the flimsy dining room chair and laughs till his ribs hurt.
"Drown it? You tried to drown it?" He manages to gasp out. Sam is grinning too, though he seems to have better self control than his brother. Cas, on the other hand, is scowling.
"It seemed reasonable. When you submerse a living thing in water for long enough it becomes unconscious." Castiel frowns down at the cell phone. "So I threw it into the ocean. When I retrieved it, it wasn't working."
Castiel holds up the phone gingerly and tilts his head, examining the ruined electronic.
"Did I leave it in too long?"
Now Sam is cracking up too.
Finally, after both brothers have managed to stop guffawing, Sam explains the problem to Cas.
"Dude. It's a cell phone. You‘re not supposed to get electronics wet."
As punishment for breaking the first phone, Dean buys him a pink phone with rhinestones. The joke is lost on Cas, but both he and Sam get the pleasure of snickering whenever they see the phone.
2. Smiting it
Castiel is waiting for them at Bobby's when they return from their most recent hunt. He's sitting awkwardly on the couch, hands flat on his lap, coat on and back straight.
"Hey, Cas." Dean greets him. "Sup?"
"I've needed to get in contact with you, but had no way to reach you. So I waited at Bobby's because you return here most often." Cas says. He seems grumpy today. Dean shrugs it off.
"Why didn't you call, man?" He asks. Castiel's tiny frown grows just a little. He reaches into the pocket of the heavy trench coat and withdraws a chard lump of something. Then he tosses it to Dean.
At first, Dean just thinks it's some random piece of melted plastic, till he notices a few numbers that survived whatever melted it. And, that it's bright pink.
"Dude. What the fuck happened to your phone?"
"I was informed, by a very intelligent girl that pink is an effeminate.” There is a long pause as Castiel glares, eyes bright and blue, like ice chips.
“Were you trying to insult me, Dean?”
“No.” His voice comes out as a high pitched squeak.
When he gets Cas a new phone, he makes sure it’s dark blue. Then, as a safety measure, he sticks flame stickers along the sides of it.
3. Loosing it
“Cas, why the fuck didn’t you answer our calls?” They’re back at Bobby’s after a week on the road, spent hunting down a nasty Red Cap. It would have been helpful to have Cas’ assistance. Without Cas’ encyclopedic knowledge, Sam had had to hole up in the library for a week just to figure out what the damn thing was. Plus, Dean had… well he’d been worried, okay? Renegade angels aren’t exactly safe from the other forces of Heaven.
The angel shifts uncomfortably, not meeting Dean’s eyes. Dean thinks he actually looks embarrassed.
“I… I could not locate my phone.” He finally answers.
“You mean you lost it.” Sam deadpans from behind Dean. Cas’ fidgeting becomes incrementally worse.
“I merely misplaced it.” Cas answers. Dean is suddenly reminded of the time he’d lost the salt rounds on a hunting trip with dad. The conversation had gone a lot like the one currently happening. There seems to be an unspoken rule that, so long as you don’t actually use the word ‘lost’ the thing will turn up again. Even a socially awkward angel seems to know this.
“Cas, just say you lost it.” Sam grumbles. The Red Cap had bitten him on the shin, and sasquatch wasn’t in the best of moods.
“Misplaced.” Castiel says petulantly.
“Lost.” Sam answers.
“Misplaced.” Cas enunciates clearly. Dean lets out an exasperated groan.
“Fine! Fine we’ll get you a new phone!” Dean rubs at the bridge of his nose.
“Jesus. It’s like having a teenager.” He takes a moment to glare at Cas before marching upstairs to call the phone company about a replacement.
“Now don’t you go out drinking and borrow the Impala. And don’t make me install a curfew!”
The irony is, of course, completely lost on Cas.
4. Embarrass People with it
Sam is typing away on his lap top when Dean gets through to Cas. The angel appears, cell phone in hand, in it’s original shape and completely functional. Thank god. He’d rather get chucked twenty feet by a ghost than have to deal with AT&T again. Seriously, he thinks they might actually be a bureaucratic off branch of Hell.
“Do you know what drowns it’s victim and leaves behind hoof prints?” He asks. The holy tax accountant thinks it over.
“A Kelpie. You must get a bridle around it’s head in order to tame it.” Cas answers. Dean gives him a friendly pat on the shoulder.
“Thanks man. You’re like Wikipedia on crack.”
“Dean.” Castiel takes Dean’s hand off his shoulder and holds it in front of him. Ooookay. Awkward. Especially with Sam looking on, fascinated.
“Uh, yeah Cas?” He asks.
“I recently revisited a very wise young girl. She gave me some excellent advice on what to do when one finds themselves… romantically interested in someone.”
Dean gulps and pulls his hand away, a sense of foreboding settling in.
“Um… that’s nice. Whose the lucky lady?”
Cas doesn’t answer that one. Instead, he surges forward, grabbing Dean at the waist and kissing him passionately. Dean honest to god swoons and Castiel grips him tight, dipping him backwards like some 1940’s sailor‘s girl. And damn, it feels so nice, held so tenderly and kissed like he’s precious.
Or at least, it does till he hears the tell tale click of a camera phone.
“Sam!” He yelps. His brother is giggling like a school girl from behind his phone, a look of absolute glee on his face.
“Don’t you dare!” He yells at his brother. There’s a beep from the phone, signaling a text message being sent.
“Bobby is going to love this” Sam exclaims glee fully. “And just wait till Ellen and Jo see it.”
Sam waltzes away, singing “Just Kiss the Girl” from ’The Little Mermaid’ at the top of his lungs.
Dean considers going after him, but the texts have been sent and the cat has already been let out of the bag on this one. Or, rather, the Cas has been let out of the closet.
So instead, he sits down on the edge of the bed and pulls a pliant Castiel onto his lap.
“C’mere handsome. I’m gonna teach you how to make out properly.”
Sam finds his phone the next morning, a melted ball of silver goo.